My boyfriend is still in close contact with his most recent ex in a way which is troubling me. I feel that by keeping her in his life, he is being slightly disrespectful to me, as she clearly still has some kind of hold over him for him to put up with this.
Years: I am 23
Personally, when someone tells me they're still friendly with their ex, I can't help but be a little skeptical. I know not all breakups are dramatic, Bachelor -worthy blowups complete with screaming and crying, but they still ify the end of a relationship. Therefore, it's difficult for me to understand how you can be just friends with someone whom you were once romantically involved with. So, if your boyfriend or girlfriend still talks to their ex , I totally get why you might not be percent on board with it. However, it is possible that your partner doesn't have any ulterior motives. Perhaps they're just genuinely interested in maintaining a friendship with a person who was once very important to them.
As great as it would be to start a relationship with someone who's a total clean slate, you're likely going to date someone who already has some kind of romantic history.
Although the healthy thing to do would be to let the past stay in the past, sometimes people will enter into a new relationships without being completely over an ex. So, how do you know if your partner still isn't over their ex? According to experts, there are some behaviors you may want to pay attention to. When someone jumps into a new relationship before they're truly readyit only sets both partners up for heartache.
Meanwhile, the current partner will end up feeling a bit cheated. Because of this, it's worth figuring out where your partner stands with their ex. So, how can you tell if your partner still isn't over their ex? Here are some s that you should look out for, according to experts. This one is pretty obvious, but if your partner still keeps photos of their ex around, they're not over them.
Keeping an old photo of a past love around usually won't be appreciated by a current partner. More often than not, it sends the message that someone is still holding on to something there. You want to be direct in order to let your partner know that it's not OK with you.
But it's also equally important to watch your tone. Refrain from sounding accusatory so it won't blow up into a fight.
If your partner is still hung up on their ex, they may suggest doing the same things that they used to do with their past partner. For instance your partner may want to keep going to a restaurant that holds a lot of memories of their past relationship, or go bowling every other Thursday night because that's what they used to do with their ex. This can be another fairly obvious one. If your partner is constantly finding ways to bring up their ex in your conversationsthey may still be hung up on them.
If they tend to get heated or emotional when talking about the ex, this is also a that they haven't really let their past go. If you're in this situation, Assimos says, you have to protect your heart. If your partner isn't completely over their exthey might make suggestions to you on how to behave in ways that are very similar to their ex. For instance, if their ex was more boyfriend but you use humor to lighten the mood, your partner may tell you to be more sensitive.
If your partner is trying to make you be someone that you're not, it's definitely something to talk about. It's important to be confident in yourself and don't allow anyone to change you.
If this is the case, they're not really falling in love with you but the person they want you to become. If your partner still makes the effort to do something out of the ordinary for their ex on their birthday or holidays, that may be a problem. As matchmaker and dating coach, Stef Safran tells Bustle, "That might mean that they are too connected currently. The same goes for staying in contact in general.
For instance, a study published in the journal Personal Relationships found a link between staying in contact with an ex and commitment to their current partner. Basically, people who make an effort to stay in touch with an ex tend to be less committed and less satisfied in their current relationship. They were also more likely to view their current partner as a back-up plan.
If your partner still keeps in touch with their ex's family, that could be a that they're still holding on to their old love. As dating and relationship coach Carla Romo tells Bustle, "People do not change quickly over talking. If your partner was with their ex for a really long time, they may have developed a close relationship with their ex's family. It may not be a huge deal if your partner keeps in touch boyfriend them every now and then, but it can be an issue if they're keeping in touch just to stay updated on their ex's life.
If this is the case, talk to your boyfriend talking how you feel. If your partner has no problem bringing up their ex in conversation but refuses to talk about them if you bring it up, breakup coach Lee Wilsontells Bustle, they might not have moved on. If there's anger attached to it, that can also be very telling. According to Wilson, anger comes from deep hurt. If you bring up your partner's ex and they snap at you, they may still be hurting over how things ended.
This doesn't necessarily mean that your partner wants to get back with them. If your partner never posts pictures of you two on social media even after dating for some time, that's something to be aware of, relationship therapist Dr. Alisha Powell, Ph. After all, if you've been together for a while, what's there to hide?
Of course, you can't always rely on social media to give you s on how your relationship is going — your partner just may not be very active on Instagram or Facebook. But if social media use is important to you, your partner should take that into consideration. It's one thing to remain friends on social media. It's another thing to constantly check on an ex's social media and then react emotionally to what they see.
According to Bennett, if you're "over" someone, you ignore them. You may wonder if they're doing OK, but you won't make the effort to look them up on social media. While this, or any of the boyfriend s, may not mean your partner wants to date their ex again — they may still have feelings for them. It's more than fair to insist [that] your partner If your partner is not over their ex, you may feel their lack of commitment in your relationship. Someone who is ready to be in a committed, long-term relationship with just you will make that known. You won't have to wonder if they're still thinking about their ex because they put in the effort to make plans with you and talking you just how much they care about.
If you're feeling that lack of connection, Sedacca says, acknowledge it: "Ask your partner directly and trust your gut about whether or not you can believe them. If you suspect your partner is still holding on to feelings they have for their ex, it can cause problems in your relationship even without you realizing it.
That's why communicating your thoughts and fears, no matter how awkward of a conversation it will be, is important.
If your partner is still talking to their ex and it bothers you, tell them. Don't downplay your feelings or write it off as jealousy.
You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who's completely present and ready for all the great new things that come with being with you. Don't be afraid to communicate your feelings in your relationshipand hopefully your partner will see that the past really should stay in the past.
The way your partner speaks about their ex will give you insight into how they may be feeling about their ex. Your partner may be in the middle of processing the breakup as they talk to you about it. It's a huge red flag when most of your partner's notable life stories involve their ex. They also either don't have enough content of life solo, or they continue to interpret the world as if they're still in that relationship.
Some people may still have to interact with their ex in cases such as co-parenting. But if your partner frequently vents to you about their disagreements, power struggles, and drama, this isn't a good. This could be a that your partner hasn't made peace with ending the relationship, or they still have more healing work to do talking they're relationship material again.
Even if your partner isn't actively texting their ex, it can be a red flag if your partner still has their ex's texts on their phone. Your partner may still hold a place for them in their heart. It's one thing for your partner to need consistent communication with their ex. But it's another to boyfriend excuses as to why they're still doing it.
They are important to me,' or 'They helped me through some hard times, so I like to be there for them,'" d professional counselor Mark Shoemaker tells Bustle. If your partner cannot own their part of why the relationship failed, this could be a problem for your relationship down the line.
As certified divorce coach Andrea Hipps, LBSWtells Bustle, "When we only see the other person at fault, we stay connected to them and trap ourselves and our future partners in the tired narrative. If your partner has nothing but bad things to say about their ex, this is another that they're not completely over them. According to Hipps, a partner who's fully emotionally available "should be able to express gratitude for what they had and a future-focused approach to what they are taking with them from it.
Whether it's good or bad news, your partner should want to share it with you first. But if their ex is the first person they think of, their ex may still have a hold over them. As Susan Trombettirelationship expert and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, tells Bustle, "Your partner may seek out their ex's opinion and validation first boyfriend that they are not fully over them. If their ex's toothbrush is still there or you always find some clothes left in the closet, this is something you may need to discuss with your partner. According to Trombetti, these are items that need to be packed up, returned, or tossed out, especially if you and your partner have been seeing each other for talking time.
If your partner can't part with items from their ex, they may not be over them. If you have a gut feeling that your partner still has talking for their ex, don't ignore it. There's a chance they're saying or doing things that make you feel this way. But it's also a telling if you bring this up to your partner and they brush off your concerns. As psychotherapist Tess Brighamthe "Millennial Therapist," tells Bustle, "If you approach your partner and tell them how you feel and they dismiss your feelings and tell you that you're crazy, that alone is telling you something.
It doesn't matter if your partner is swearing up and boyfriend they are over their ex; you want to focus on why you don't feel comfortable in this relationship.
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