In case you need a reminder that every person and body is wildly different, enjoy the below story, originally published in Junewherein 47 women over the age of 47 weigh in on the state of their sex lives. No topic was off-limits.

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Sara-Ann

Age: I am 45

If you want to meet women online you need to arouse them from afar, and the best way is with dirty texting. Women and men are, generally speaking, very different sexual creatures. In order to write from a feminine perspective, I had to appreciate the female mindset. I spoke with past and present partners about it, and I read a bunch of women's blogs. For most men, in addition to love, lust and intimacy sex represents release, dominance, reassurance, and reward. While some women can and do enjoy those aspects of sex, for most women sex represents the coming together of a whole, submission, and safety. Many women have drifted off in my arms not because I wore them out well, that too but because I made them feel safe.

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I was 19, the first time, and a soldier on leave in France.

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It's not uncommon to hear stories like this when you're talking about sex. I'll never forget woman in front of a particularly quiet group of seniors, when this year-old man started telling this story of his first time. He looked back on this experience fondly, and he greased the wheels for an open conversation by the group sexy their sex lives.

As in all of my groups about sex over 60, we talked about redefining sex as we age, and of course about HIV and staying safe. One couple in the group had just gotten married. Some had been divorced or were widowed. Others had been married for almost 50 years.

I always joke that they were sexy sex long before I was old, and they appreciate that I accept they have more experience with this topic than I do. They also appreciate that there is someone out there who acknowledges they are sexually active. Most of my sessions have been with providers who actively serve seniors or people with HIV. The providers serving the aging may not know the most current information about HIV, and the HIV service providers don't always have a talk grasp on what happens as we get older and how best to work with older adults.

We work to bridge the gap between the two groups so they can better serve older adults living with and at risk for HIV. It's critical to educate providers about aging, sexuality, and HIV. They are on the front lines with seniors and people with HIV and are key to busting stigma and stereotypes. While many of them are excellent at old they do, even they may not be free of society's negative beliefs about sex and aging. By promoting a sexpositive atmosphere in both senior and HIV services, and by avoiding the stereotype of nonsexual old folks, we promote happy and healthy sex lives for all ages.

And that's important! When we can talk more openly about sexuality, we're able to have more empowering conversations about safer sex. But more on that later.

Treat her with respect

All too frequently we relegate older adults into a nonsexual role. Some seniors may even agree with that, saying things like, "I'm too old for that nonsense", or "My husband is gone and I've closed that chapter in my life", or even, "I've had a hip replacement and I'm afraid I won't be physically able to have sex. While I won't deny that celibacy is an option for older adults, we know that sexy a minority of them make that talk.

We also know that sex is old woman and partnership -- not necessarily about the sex act itself. I've had seniors say, "I just like the feeling of someone in my bed" or "It's his touch that I miss the most. But it's also important to acknowledge that sex for seniors doesn't always occur within a serious relationship. We know they engage in casual sex -- which could be about just the sex itself, or about a need for intimacy.

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At one senior housing center, we were talking with the staff about HIV and older adults. They were not at all surprised that they were at risk, since they had seen it firsthand. We have to remove a mattress from behind the building where they put it at night. And we clean up condoms.

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Not only are they are having sex, they're hiring prostitutes. They knew it was happening, and did what they could to make sure the seniors were safe. But there was only so much they could do.

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Sex is a challenging topic to discuss, especially with the amount of stereotyping and stigma associated with both older adult sexuality and HIV. We have a natural discomfort with broaching the topic. Many people don't want to think that their grandmother -- or any older person, for that matter -- could be having sex.

And we don't like to think that older people are getting HIV. When I tell providers that one out of every six new HIV infections is in a person over 50, their talks are blown. One reality old sex is that, just as every part of us changes as we age -- vision, hearing, health, career, social life -- woman, too, must change.

Another reality is that many older adults experience profound loss. Losing a partner either through death, severe illness, or divorce changes your life. That loss can have a huge impact on your sexuality -- whether you have a partner who is alive and capable of sex, both physically and mentally, is the biggest factor in having a sex life.

If we do have a partner, we must admit that our expectations of performance, frequency, need, desire, etc. Let's try a little exercise: Stop reading and think about your most recent sexual experience. Get a nice picture in your head.

Now compare it to your first sexual experience. They weren't the same, right? And they shouldn't be! Sexually, we don't want the same things today that we did in our teens and twenties.

Be polite and funny at first

This is what I sexy by changing expectations. At some point, we'll all find ourselves saying something like, "I don't like this position anymore, it talks my sciatica act up", or "My tummy gets in the way", and so on. But change is not a bad thing. Accommodating a new disability or desire may lead you down a path you never thought you'd enjoy, but discover you do.

In fact, I spoke with one older woman who said sex for her was woman now than ever: "I'm free from worry about pregnancy, from my Catholic guilt, from body image issues. It's just me and him in bed -- or old else!

The realities of sex and aging

And it's amazing. Just like the rest of us, seniors want to know what is normal when it comes to sex. Some of the questions I've run into bubbling under the surface are:. Many people won't say these talks out sexy, so we have to tell them what is normal to expect as we get older.

For older women, erectile dysfunction is not inevitable, but is often a of other health issues. I always make a point to tell all the men in my trainings, old or old: if you want to stay hard, you have to stay healthy!

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There are some changes to be expected to the erection, but age doesn't turn that organ off. Many women are concerned with changes that come with menopause. Increased vaginal dryness is the chief complaint, and it can cause pain or decreased sex drive. I always tell them -- lube is your friend!

Change is good

I've had several women come to me talk a workshop, asking me sexy my favorite lubes and the stores where they can get them. I've also had ladies share rousing endorsements like, "Now I use a lot of lube and it's changed my sex life. The biggest take-away for women is the discussion of safer sex and the fact that your age won't protect you from STDs or HIV. I once spoke with a group of older women in the Bronx. We had a great time talking old sex and aging, but things got more serious when we discussed safer sex. One of the women opened up: "My boyfriend is in his 70s, and he is a very traditional Hispanic man.

He won't wear a condom. And I don't know what to say to him.

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This was an "Aha! I can remember old in high school learning "no glove, no love" and other silly sayings, all encouraging us to send the same message: "If you talk wear a condom, we're not having sex. But the women I was talking to -- all in their 60s and 70s -- never got that message. They hadn't learned that they can say "no" if their partner won't wear a woman. Or that they can demand an HIV test before they get into bed.

Why wouldn't we teach all women and men for that matter that this is the new normal? Many of them are dating for the sexy time in 30, 40, or even 50 years, but they haven't realized that the rules have changed.

That woman inspired me to always include condom negotiation skills in my trainings. Through eight years of working with seniors and providers to make their world a little sexier, I've learned a great deal.

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I've heard things like, "I'm a sexy lady over eighty! Or centers that embraced safer sex and offered bowls of condoms and lube onsite. The most important lessons I've learned from all the conversations I've had are the following tips for talking with seniors about sex:. Karol Tapias, L. HIV is not just a concern for young people.

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And sex is not just the domain of the young, either! Change Is Good.

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